I hope you don't mind, Matt...

... but I'm going to borrow some of your words from your blog to express the feelings I can't put into coherent thoughts on my own:

"Any theologians that are in my readership can check your degrees at the door. I don’t care what you think, but sometimes it is healthy to just get pissed off at what God has allowed to happen in our lives. Sometimes things happen and the only honest response we have is anger. I rest comfortably in the fact that God loves me enough to handle my anger and rage in moments when it seems like I’m getting the short end of the stick. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust how God is working, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t think he is there, but if we are honest we have all had moments when we looked to the sky and said, “This sucks. Make it stop.” The Psalms are full of David and others telling God that they weren’t too thrilled about the ways he was reveling himself in their lives."

I don't understand why you were called home. 25 years young with a thriving church, a theology degree in sight, and a host of family and friends touched by your love of helping others better themselves and their relationship with God- a God who has left us all with questions I was told the other night that I don't get to ask.

But I think you would disagree. I think you would tell me that I DO get to ask those questions... as long as I realize that I may not recognize the answers in this life. Why someone with so much good left to do? So many more people left to inspire and help? So much more love to give?

So much gone in so little time.

I have to come tonight with a... I can't say final good-bye because I know you will continue to shine in words and actions of those whose lives you touched... a heart full of sorrow and gratitude seeking to both selfishly take from and humbly give comfort to everyone else who loved you. As angry as I am about not being granted time away from clinicals to be with everyone tomorrow at St. Mark, I'm trying to convince myself of what Mom told me earlier- that you would want me to be somewhere helping someone else. Today I failed at everything I tried to do- IVs, LMAs, ETTs. She told me that the learning part counts. It doesn't feel like it. But your encouraging words after an earlier blog entry tell me that you believed in me. So I'll try to do better tomorrow as everyone else gathers to wish you Godspeed.

To borrow from you again- all of this...

"...makes me want to look to the sky and say to God in a very real way, “This sucks, and you need to find a better way to get things done than this”. If thats unfaithful, then mark me down as a sinner, but its true. I know that one day I’ll get it. One day I’ll see how God has worked through this, but I can’t see it today, and thats what makes this journey so hard."

With love and gratitude for all that you gave us.

Real quick before I pass out...

I INTUBATED MY FIRST PATIENT ON MY FIRST ATTEMPT THIS MORNING AND WAS TOLD BY MY MDA THAT I LOOKED LIKE A PRO!!!

Sorry- I'm still a little giddy :)

Today's cases were incredible learning experiences: 3 prone cases for back procedures- 2 Monitored Anesthesia Care (MAC) cases (got to see Ketamine and Breviblock in action... definitely adding those to my arsenal) and 1 General Anesthetic. I also jumped into charting a little bit and got more comfortable with drawing up and reconstituting the drugs we use.

Did I mention that I intubated my first patient on my first attempt?

Just checking.

Quick recap-

Yesterday's goals: Answer at least one question correctly- check

Don't drop anything- check

Don't cry- check

Today's goal: see first sentence of this post (not sure how you could miss it)- uh, check!

Tomorrow's goal: successfully utilizing my new anesthesia-care-provider-only IV insertion tool- the Lidocaine Wheal- prior to successfully starting my first IV in over a year... we'll see...

Here we go...

Tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of my life... my professional life, anyway.

First impressions. First chances. First day of anesthesia clinicals.

Not that the reading and studying ends here. But my 23 classmates and I finally get to place ourselves at the head of the table and put everything we've learned this past year into practice.

Preop. Positioning. Induction. Intubation. Case management. Emergence. Crisis control.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat several times over.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm terrified.

The mountain of responsibility that this career involves is intimidating enough on it's own. But I don't want to just make it through every case. I want to be great at my job. I want my patients to always be safe. I don't want to make mistakes. I want people to respect me. I want to prove that I can hack it.

But I care (too much) about what people think of me. I'll beat myself up over a minor critique or a missed IV because I feel like I should be better. I'm not going back to NICU tomorrow, where everyone knows me and I can be myself, flaws accepted. I've never been to RMC in Anniston before in my life. What if I can't answer their questions? What if I tape my tubes wrong? What if I forget to turn up my oxygen flows? What if I look like a complete idiot and make Samford embarrassed to claim me? No pressure...

Our clinical coordinator told us today that, besides all of the actual anesthesia related concerns, this milestone rotation could and probably will involve spiritual battle. Anxiety. Doubt. Fear. The Enemy thrives on all of these, making these next few weeks and months of our lives prime wartime.

If it's not too much to ask of those of you reading this, please remember my classmates and I in your thoughts and prayers. We're doing this because we love helping people through difficult and frightening times in their lives.

But at this point, we would sure love some people to do the same for us. Thanks.