I hope you don't mind, Matt...

... but I'm going to borrow some of your words from your blog to express the feelings I can't put into coherent thoughts on my own:

"Any theologians that are in my readership can check your degrees at the door. I don’t care what you think, but sometimes it is healthy to just get pissed off at what God has allowed to happen in our lives. Sometimes things happen and the only honest response we have is anger. I rest comfortably in the fact that God loves me enough to handle my anger and rage in moments when it seems like I’m getting the short end of the stick. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust how God is working, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t think he is there, but if we are honest we have all had moments when we looked to the sky and said, “This sucks. Make it stop.” The Psalms are full of David and others telling God that they weren’t too thrilled about the ways he was reveling himself in their lives."

I don't understand why you were called home. 25 years young with a thriving church, a theology degree in sight, and a host of family and friends touched by your love of helping others better themselves and their relationship with God- a God who has left us all with questions I was told the other night that I don't get to ask.

But I think you would disagree. I think you would tell me that I DO get to ask those questions... as long as I realize that I may not recognize the answers in this life. Why someone with so much good left to do? So many more people left to inspire and help? So much more love to give?

So much gone in so little time.

I have to come tonight with a... I can't say final good-bye because I know you will continue to shine in words and actions of those whose lives you touched... a heart full of sorrow and gratitude seeking to both selfishly take from and humbly give comfort to everyone else who loved you. As angry as I am about not being granted time away from clinicals to be with everyone tomorrow at St. Mark, I'm trying to convince myself of what Mom told me earlier- that you would want me to be somewhere helping someone else. Today I failed at everything I tried to do- IVs, LMAs, ETTs. She told me that the learning part counts. It doesn't feel like it. But your encouraging words after an earlier blog entry tell me that you believed in me. So I'll try to do better tomorrow as everyone else gathers to wish you Godspeed.

To borrow from you again- all of this...

"...makes me want to look to the sky and say to God in a very real way, “This sucks, and you need to find a better way to get things done than this”. If thats unfaithful, then mark me down as a sinner, but its true. I know that one day I’ll get it. One day I’ll see how God has worked through this, but I can’t see it today, and thats what makes this journey so hard."

With love and gratitude for all that you gave us.